I miss the person I was as I dance around the person I am, and I try to figure out who I am becoming. Mine is an ambiguous loss. A loss that’s hard to understand with Parkinson’s disease.
It is hard to be on this side of my life. I often feel like I am fading away into nothing. It is frustrating to lose what I thought would always be there, what I thought would always be with me. But with each passing day, I lose a little bit more of myself. It wanders away, sometimes never to return.
I grieve my losses. Things I enjoyed in the past and people I held so dear seem unlikely to return. I grieve lost memories, forsaken dreams, and thoughts I can no longer find.
I sit beside the creek, a cold boulder as my chair, only able to faintly hear the meandering water as we approach winter’s end. The cold air encircling my neck reminds me there is more winter yet to come. The end of the bitter cold is approaching. But it’s not over.
Winter will return and I will ache again. I will grieve my losses and weep. I will fall and fumble. I will sit at the creek’s edge and watch as the water spills over the rocks and boulders and wanders away.
But then the sun’s rays spill through the budding branches of the trees. The last touches of frost are evidence that spring is just around the corner. In faith and hope, I hang my wool scarf on its peg.
But amid the grief of realizing who I was, who I am now, and who I am becoming, not all is lost. I am still here. I am still moving ahead into a new season, although my body fights against me. The disease of winter may chill me to the bone and I may shiver and shake, but spring’s promise tells me I am not lost to this hideous disease.
The sunlight shines down on my tired body and restores me with its warmth. I give thanks for the changing of seasons. I give thanks that we don’t stay caught in winter’s clutches but are carried into the new days of spring yet to come.
Note: Parkinson’s News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Parkinson’s News Today or its parent company, BioNews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Parkinson’s disease.
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