Why accepting help doesn’t always come naturally for caregivers
As a caregiver, I feel that my husband's well-being is my responsibility
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If, like me, you are a caregiver, you may have heard comments like these before: “Is there anything I can do?” “Let me know if you need anything.” “I am available if you need help!”
Genuine offers of support are wonderful and always appreciated. It’s comforting to know that people want to help. Many caregivers, myself included, are working on autopilot to keep it all together. In my life, I try to plan everything and keep it well organized to help our days run smoothly.
Weekdays include driving my husband, Arman, who was diagnosed with early-onset Parkinson’s disease in 2009, to physical therapy and doctor appointments, working with him on his home therapy and exercise regimens, keeping him well-groomed (shaving and showering), and cooking and doing other household tasks. Once all of that is completed, I manage to squeeze in time to work my remote jobs and attend daily Pilates classes. I usually leave the weekends open for catching my breath and doing the laundry.
Because my routines are structured, I’m not sure how to respond to offers of help like those I mentioned above. I’ve often wanted to reply, “Yes, I need a winning lottery ticket and a trip to Hawaii!” (Hint, hint.)
Insight into the caregiver’s thinking
Caregivers are a different breed and may not know how to accept genuine offers of help. Often, we’re so bogged down with the day-to-day tasks of caregiving that we can’t add the emotional work of explaining what we need.
While all caregivers could probably benefit from outside support from friends and family, many of us have difficulty asking for it or admitting that we need it. In my experience, I feel an intense sense of obligation to my husband, as though all of his care, safety, and well-being is my responsibility. Because of this strong sense of obligation, it’s very difficult for me to let others help, because I feel it’s my duty to do these things.
We caregivers can have unrealistic expectations of our limits and boundaries. Many of us feel strong enough to “do it all on our own.” We might feel like a personal failure if we turn to others. As a seasoned caregiver, I can honestly say that this is not a beneficial approach, because caregiver burnout is real.
If someone offers you support, think of it as an option. Once you’re ready to accept help, you’ll probably want to start slowly. I remember the day during our vacation together that my brother-in-law accompanied my husband for a workout and left me behind to relax. At first, I was tense and uncomfortable with the unknown of him being away from me in a “dangerous” gym. As the hour slowly passed, I began to realize the importance of this big step, and actually relaxed a bit. It may seem small, but it felt like a huge accomplishment for me.
Supporting the caregivers in your life
The best way to support a friend, neighbor, or family member who is a caregiver is to take specific, proactive steps instead of making general offers like “I am here if you need anything.”
Taking the initiative and doing things like running errands, bringing meals, or offering respite care by sitting with their loved one so they can rest is important. These actions help prevent burnout and give much-needed emotional support.
Don’t ask — just show up!
Note: Parkinson’s News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Parkinson’s News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Parkinson’s disease.
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